Kush and Tumblr. Melancholy.

Dear Belinda,

In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve been strange.

You’ve been in four “serious relationships” and yet you seem to only remember the two that have been the shortest.

You’ve forgotten that it was Jabu who introduced you to his mom as “The love of his life,” and Kabelo promised to pay you back in lobola for funding him with the money for his textbooks he needed when he boozed it away in college, how Lesego asked you to move in with him before he left for Bahrain…

Sthe: A three year old crush that took three year courage to text him just to say “Hi”, you still keep the millions of texts exchanged between the two of you in your phone, 80% of it is full of just that, the “Hi’s” and “Goodnight’s” from 2010. You met once and spoke for lifetimes. I remember after meeting him for lunch that afternoon when you said “this is it” and when you’d heard he’d passed away 2 months later you cried the entire way home from CTC. You probably still do. You still think of him with a sad heart.

Sakie: You had stopped, you had given up on living on wishes over sense and sensibility, you said he had an amazing mind and your problem that has always been your frenemy is living for what could be. You were too much of a dreamer. You said he’s the first guy to make you smile when he kissed you, you said this all the time. You decided to let the memory be that… a sweet memory of the past, you couldn’t have him how you had vividly imagined, he couldn’t be had, you knew this. Why can’t you forget?

I don’t like how you don’t sleep much anymore, how you don’t imagine or hope as much. You still dream, I know, you have no control over what your heart still wishes for while you sleep. What’s that you like saying about your life not being yours again?

You’re cussing out a lot, have you noticed? You do that when you feel you have no control and are defeated. Why are you so angry? These were only in periods of 2 months over 9 months and 12 months of your life at a time. How can those mean so much more than what you knew? You live for the possibilities and the unknown. Stop.

“But, my life is not my own.” – Belinda.

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