Christmas Uncheer.

And now for that festive humour. Too fucken lazy to tweet and post about Christmas and all so: (I spread no cheer so STFU.)


  • Only 13 more days and I get a new pair of underwear!
  • Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus… I wanna be 19 again.
  • Some carollers were singing outside of my house last night. They sang so well, I gave them an extra 10 seconds to get the hell off my property.
  • My home-made Christmas wreath just got stolen! There goes my whole festive season stash.
  • My neighbour put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he’s pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up 10 years ago.
  • ♪♪ It’s the most wonderful tiiiime of the year (to develop a drinking problem) ♪♪
  • Deck the halls with booze and be jolly, fah la la la la, blah blah blah blah! – Drunk Christmas carols.
  • Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is him ♥… Lol. Just kidding I need a new phone.
  • “Welcome To The Jingle” – Bells.
  • Going to get a real tree some time this week… hope it doesn’t end up like Amy Winehouse. Dead, 5 ft 6, and surrounded by needles before Christmas.
  • No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword.
  • Ha, I remember that Christmas when the hounds broken in the house and ate our food and we had to go out for Chinese and then Chevy Chase got stuck in our attic and three ghosts came by and Tiny Tim said God Bless us each and every one and that fat angel got his wings and Santa won his court case and Rudolph’s nose was so bright, and Charlie Brown was down in the mouth about the commercialism of Christmas and my life sucks and all…
  • Let us not forget the real meaning of Christmas… The birth of Santa Claus.
  • Dear Santa, I was framed!
  • If Santa does not bring me something good I’m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
  • Christmas shopping list: —–> Refer to fuckit list.
  • All I want for Christmas is a go-go gadget bitch-slapping arm. Is that too much to ask?
  • This is my Christmas letter. The kids are getting big and shit, some old people died this year and shit, you should be receiving the lame holiday post card with the gaudy holly borders of me and the fam on the beach this summer. We are having weather and shit and we love you and miss you and shit. Me. – This is how they might as well all read.
  • “Ho, Ho, Ho!” – Santa Claus/Pimp doing a head count.
  • My favourite part of Christmas is family dinner and all the drunken confessions.
  • Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
  • Everytime this status goes un-liked a reindeer dies.
  • My aunts kids still think that mistletoe comes in sandwich bags.
  • Santa is Satan misspelled… I’m on to you, Fatman.
  • Okay, I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors are convinced that my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram… Oh dear!
  • Just bought forty copies of Zahara’s CD as Christmas presents for all those who really pissed me off throughout 2011.
  • Yeah, I can see where decorating your office for Christmas takes priority over you actually doing the job you’re getting paid for. While you’re at it you might as well decorate the bathroom too, someone might actually give a shit in there.
  • I hope my gran gives me money for Christmas this year, instead of another musical jewellery box that plays “Someday My Prince Will Come.”
  • I would like to beat the Christmas Spirit into some folks.
  • All I want for Christmas is to see a few people on the next episode of Unsolved Mysteries.
  • Dear Everyone I Know, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come just left and it looks like you’re getting jack shit from me again this year. Merry Christmas!
  • I love when my horoscope says something like “enjoy a company party or a night out with peers for some festive cheer”…no shit, that was hard to predict right before Christmas.
  • Wanted: Santa Claus for my kid’s Christmas party. College coaches need not apply.
  • Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, will you be putting this up yourself? NO YOU SICK BASTARD!! I’m putting it up in my living room!
  • We don’t have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence.
  • You have 5 minutes to repost this to 8 of your closest friends and loved ones or you will have 7 years of bad luck, a broken mirror, a black cat crossing your path, leftover spaghetti in your hair, 4 chicken wings, 2 ugly Christmas sweaters, and a partridge in a pair of trees.
  • I’m making everyone’s Christmas gifts this year, so if you were thinking about friending me you may want to wait until the New Year.
  • Considering that not one of those Three Wise Men bothered to bring a crib or diapers for Baby Jesus, they should simply be known as 3 Dudes.
  • Okay, I’ve got Christmas covered. Tons of boxes wrapped and under the tree… nothing is in them. Now I’m going to stage a break-in on Christmas Eve, break a window, hide the boxes and lie to the kids one Christmas morning about all the cool stuff that got stolen.
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